Guatemala, Oct ‘22

“Ahora si puedo ver porque le llaman ‘el país de la eterna primavera’”

Cadillac. Pink. Tomato.

I’d love to say that I’ve been out on some grand tour and too busy to keep up with all of life’s regular responsibilities. Or that I found a passion that took up all my time, effort, and energy.

But I haven’t and I didn’t. I really haven’t been doing much of much.

I have however, done some thinking (perhaps too much) and convincing myself (perhaps too little) that doing something doesn’t mean that I must be doing it successfully. 

It just means that I should be doing it. That I should be present, even at times when I don’t want to. That I should be trying, and trying well.

Because time, effort, and care are apparent.

Success? Well, that’s subjective.

So when things don’t turn out how I’ve envisioned them (which happens more often than not), I have to remind myself that im still doing it and that im still trying. That my effort is still there. That despite it not materializing how I imagined, I can still feel the devotion.

And hey, it’s only been a few years since my diagnosis, but I still remember the three words. It’s an oddball group of words to test someone’s memory, for sure,

but it’s still my subjective success.

Dotted I’s, Crossed T’s

Kaiser Medical - Sunset

I get stuck quite often. Sometimes it lasts for a few minutes. A small mental glitch. Other times, I’m not so lucky. Days, weeks, and months seem to go by. I think very little, if at all. I’m automated.

As far as I can identify, the blocks aren’t so much a neurological thing as much as a me thing.

But what the hell is a me thing? Does it have to do with any of my surgeries? Or do I just forget things, because I forget?

Maybe it was way too much information for me, or maybe I just wasn’t paying enough attention.

Maybe it’s all of those. Maybe it’s none of those. Maybe I should just get on with my day.

Now if I could just remember what I was doing.